Why Do We Overshare & How to Avoid Doing It?
We often realize we overshare after having divulged way too much information. What makes us overshare and how can we avoid doing so?
We all must have come across experiences in our lives when we overshare small details of our lives with our colleagues or even strangers for that matter. When ruminating over these conversations, we wonder whether we disclosed too much and also wonder why we keep doing that.
While sharing information is a part of maintaining interpersonal relationships and rapport building, oversharing might be counterproductive in this process. Not just that, it is suggested that the older we get the more we tend to overshare. Not only can this jeopardise our social relationships but also have an effect on our well-being often leading us to be extremely dissatisfied. Thus, leading to the question, how do we become more aware of our tendency to overshare?
Shortcuts For The Busy Reader
What Is Oversharing?
Why Do We Overshare?
1. Avoiding Awkward Silences
2. Feeling a False Sense of Closeness
3. Lack of Boundaries
4. Fast-Tracking a Relationship
How Can We Avoid Oversharing?
1. Be Comfortable With Silence
2. Slow Down Before You Speak
3. Practice More Active Listening
What Is Oversharing?
To put it simply oversharing is the process of divulging more information than what may be considered appropriate in a given situation or to a specific person. In fact, oversharing can have adverse effects on our relationships. It increases the likelihood of us receiving criticism or judgement from others as well as makes us more vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation if we share too much information with the wrong person.
Prior to the exponential use of social media, information, particularly revolving around one’s personal life would be restricted, only to be shared within their close circle. But in this day and age, such compartmentalisation is out of the question. Your home life affects your professional life and vice versa and it becomes hard to monitor what is oversharing and what is not.
Though many of us try to still keep different aspects of our lives from mixing together, we also find ourselves on occasion oversharing with a colleague. But what makes us tend to overshare?
Why Do We Overshare?
We may resort to oversharing due to several reasons. Whether it be feeling socially anxious during a conversation or simply because you cannot stand the silence in between. It is only when you identify which situation triggers your tendency to overshare you will be able to work on how to avoid doing that. This section considers the key reasons we may overshare with others.
1. Avoiding Awkward Silences
Many of us tend to avoid letting silence fester during a conversation. In fact, for some individuals, awkward silences are so unbearable that they will do anything to avoid them. Research has found that it only takes 4 seconds for individuals to feel rattled, rejected and/or insecure. Moreover, the constant presence of social media has led individuals to have a lower tolerance for silence, dreading it so much that it can trigger panic attacks or significant anxiety. Thus, we try to reduce these gaps by talking to the other individual which can sometimes lead to us oversharing with them.
2. Feeling a False Sense of Closeness
When you share a personal space with someone, we often misunderstand that to be a sign of having to be intimate with someone. For example, it is often said that individuals spill the latest gossip at the hairdressers. This is because when someone is touching us including cutting our hair or doing our nails, it creates a false sense of intimacy. And although you may not even know the person’s name, the fact that they are in your personal space subconsciously makes you open up to them.
3. Lack of Boundaries
Another reason that individuals tend to overshare is simply that they have poor boundaries. According to Dr Gary Brown, a relationship therapist, oversharers do not have a “good internal censor” and are often unable to read their audience due to not having established boundaries with others. For example, oversharers may be unaware that it is inappropriate to share relationship woes with colleagues or financial struggles with someone who they have only just met.
These individuals tend to lack close relationships as they may have driven people away with their lack of boundaries resulting in a limited number of confidants with whom they can share information about their lives.
4. Fast-Tracking a Relationship
Trying to build emotional intimacy over a short period of time can lead to individuals sharing more information than necessary with others. It is often considered to be related to the stress and fear of not being liked by the other person. To avoid this feeling, individuals tend to skip the ‘get to know each other phase’ by revealing chronic illnesses or strange phobias. By sharing such personal information, individuals hope to move on to the next stage of the relationship.
How Can We Avoid Oversharing?
Oversharing can often have adverse consequences on relationships, particularly in the initial stages. In fact, it may lead to relationships, platonic or romantic, fizzling out before it even has a chance to develop. So how do you ultimately steer away from it?
1. Be Comfortable With Silence
Many individuals are not comfortable with letting silence fester during a conversation. The instinct to fill these silences can be overcome if we understand that these gaps can actually be purposeful to the conversation. A lull in any conversation can help individuals come up with better responses and at times even give others the opportunity to be more authentic, non-confrontational or enhance creating intimacy ultimately strengthening the bond between 2 individuals.
2. Slow Down Before You Speak
If like me, have your thoughts running at the speed of light, it can be difficult to keep track of what you are thinking and saying. In that case, slow down before you speak. Think about whether the information you are about to share is interesting, helpful and more importantly relevant to your conversation.
Sharing information about yourself may help develop close relationships but, as mentioned previously, sharing more than what is necessary can be counterproductive and hinder the development of any relationship. So take a moment to calibrate your thoughts before you start talking.
3. Practice More Active Listening
Active listening is a communication skill that goes beyond just listening to the other person, by understanding the meaning and intent behind what they are saying. Active listeners have a lower likelihood of oversharing as they are paying attention to social cues that pop up during the conversation. So the next time you are having a conversation, pay close attention to what the other person is saying, it will help you gather key information and cues regarding the context, ultimately aiding to develop new relationships.
Obviously, there are situations when you may have to share information about yourself out of necessity. Yet, you need to be able to identify when and where sharing such information is relevant and when it would be considered wildly inappropriate. Ultimately it is important to keep in mind that your authenticity is not dependent on the amount of information you share with others.
References Koudenburg, N., Postmes, T., & Gordijn, E. H. (2011). Disrupting the flow: How brief silences in group conversations affect social needs. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 47(2), 512–515. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2010.12.006 University of Edinburgh. (2017, November 2). Risk of oversharing in conversation increases with age, study says: The risk of oversharing in conversation -- or providing a listener with too much irrelevant detail - increases as we age, research suggests.. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 10, 2023 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/11/171102095937.htm |